A Tragic Loss of Life: Some Thoughts on Rehtaeh Parsons

I have been asked to share my thoughts on what happened to Rehtaeh Parsons. I have been mulling my thoughts over for the last month. There was of course horror, shock, and anger. There was grief for the darkness of the last two years of this young woman’s life on Earth, and a sincere hope that she is happier where she now is.

My thoughts took a long time to coalesce because I wanted to write something that would not just address what happened to Rehtaeh, but also what happened to Amanda Todd, to Mitchell Wilson, to Jamie Hubley, all young women and men whose lives were tragically cut short.

I realised that perhaps the best thing that I could do was not to write about my horror, sadness or anger. It’s not because I do not care, or that I am over it. Rather, I am choosing to channel these emotions into contributing positively to the discourse on respect.

Why respect? Because ultimately, all of these cases can be boiled down to disrespect shown towards a fellow human being. These cases are more than expressions of sexual misconduct, gender inequality, homophobia, or cruelty. In Rehtaeh’s case, it was about a lack of respect from the boys, first by raping her while she was in a complete state of vulnerability, then taking pictures and videos of the rape, then by bragging about it, and, finally, by sharing the pictures and videos online.

I have been reading a lot about these abovementioned cases. The current, ongoing discussions touch on many facets: we should teach children empathy, we should teach them about gender equality, we should teach that homophobia is wrong, we should teach them about consent.

I don’t agree.

I think that children should have empathy, should consider men and women equal, and should love people of all sexual orientations as a natural result of a deep love for humanity. This kind of love cannot be nurtured as long as we remain out of touch with our collective spiritual nature. And it is our spiritual, higher nature that allows us to control our sexual urges; it is our higher nature that gives us strength to stifle feelings of cruelty; it is our higher nature that sees the soul that animates the body, whatever its sexual orientation.

For that matter, it is not only about parents teaching children things. It’s about teaching ourselves as well; it’s about creating a connection with our spiritual nature, and continuously strengthening it by asking ourselves if our actions reflect our spiritual noble, real selves. When we are raping someone, are we acting as noble, spiritual creatures? When we are judging someone by their sexual orientation, are we acting as noble, spiritual creatures?

Nurturing our spiritual nature would put us back in touch with our Creator, and through our love for Him, we would naturally love everyone around us. And that would be the single most powerful step toward creating a world where Rehtaeh, Amanda, Mitchell or Jamie would not have had any reason to take their own lives. And it is only fitting that in their memories, we strive to create such a world.

 

The Clean-Up Continues: Dove Concludes We Are More Beautiful than We Think

Dove’s mission to get us in touch with real beauty started with this video released over six years ago.  The company is still at it, recently releasing another video. It documents an experiment that begins with several participants talking to the camera about their appearance. These participants then describe themselves to a forensic artist who sketches them accordingly. Another person then describes these participants to the same forensic artist, who draws a second sketch. Both sketches are placed side by side, and the difference between how the participants describe themselves and how others describe them becomes clearly visible. All agree they look more beautiful when described by strangers. The video concludes “You are more beautiful than you think.”

This video is already contributing a lot to the online discourse on beauty. It has both great potential and great limitations. When it is seen as an end, we can only hope to remain stuck on its limitations. For example, we could endlessly debate how the video features only certain types of females and the vocabulary used to describe them is limited to a certain type of beauty. Such conversations would limit the potential of the video to contribute to a lasting, positive change in the discourse on beauty.

To take advantage of this potential in a such a way as to elevate the discourse to the next level of understanding, we should use this video to increase our awareness of the cruel limitations of our current definition of beauty. Posts such as this one help identify how these limitations affect even our attempts to redefine beauty for the better. These conversations help us avoid getting stuck within a limited understanding of what beauty is, and help us continue to advance on a path of ever-increasing understanding.

It is only normal that this newest Dove video both breaks some barriers and remains contained within others. On the one hand, it directly challenges the image we construct of our own selves. We are all aware how negative one’s self-perception tends to be, compared to others’ perception of us! On the other hand, despite what it is trying to achieve, the video remains limited within a narrow definition of beauty. As jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com mentions, “the majority of the non-featured participants are thin, young white women as well.” And as for “the descriptors the editors chose to include: When the participants described themselves, these were some of the things that were implied as negatives: fat, rounder face, freckles, fatter, 40— starting to get crows feet, moles, scars… Whereas some of the implied positive descriptors used by others were: thin face, nice thin chin, nice eyes that lit up when she spoke and were very expressive (my actual favorite), short and cute nose, her face was fairly thin (this was said twice), and very nice blue eyes. So… I don’t know if anyone else is picking up on this, but it kinda seems to be enforcing our very narrow cultural perception of “beauty”: young, light-skinned, thin. No real diversity celebrated in race, age, or body shape. So you’re beautiful… if you’re thin, don’t have noticeable wrinkles or scars, and have blue eyes.”

If we remember that this video is a stepping stone that can help elevate the discourse on beauty, we understand that it is not a magic pill that will instantly clean up our tainted perception of beauty. Rather, this video can be used as inspiration to adjust our thoughts, speech and actions regarding this topic. We of course have to keep in mind that the discrepancy between how we perceive ourselves and how we are perceived by others is influenced by many factors—including culture, age, emotional well-being, and the control our ego has over us.

The challenge is, well, kind of very big, and we are only beginning to address it. Perhaps we can start by using this increased awareness—regarding our limited understanding and appreciation of beauty—to alter our speech and/or behavior in such a way as to address this discrepancy. Simply put, we should strive not to describe ourselves with descriptors we would not use on our loved ones. We could also reflect on our personal discomfort with compliments, perhaps by accepting that this is how people see us, even if we do not see it ourselves.

We might also consider reflecting on the conception of beauty as not merely physical. After all, it is our spiritual self that matters most. Truly happy people are incredibly beautiful, whatever their body shape, hair type, or facial features. And we know that true happiness is spiritual happiness. So why not reinforce that in our speech? For example, why not add to the compliments we make about physical characteristics by emphasizing the virtue linked to it? Instead of telling someone that they have a beautiful smile, why not also emphasize the virtue of joy linked to it? That way, we might begin learning how to put emphasis on the important type of beauty.

We should also be careful not to become fanatical. Describing someone as “thin” does not mean we are shallow or superficial; some people are thin, just like some people have brown hair and others have blue eyes. We have to be careful not to make anyone feel bad about how they look. Just like we cannot let someone who is of a higher body size feel ugly, we cannot let someone who is of a lower body size feel ugly, either. It seems like more and more girls who are naturally thin are becoming self-conscious, and even feel guilty about their size. A friend of mine used to overeat on purpose to gain weight, because she was often labeled as anorexic. Because of her metabolism, all that served to do is make her skin break out. The situation was very disturbing to me: while so many of our friends were struggling to lose weight to feel beautiful, she was trying to gain weight for the same reason.

Another danger of a narrow-minded approach to broadening the definition of beauty is forgetting that some things are just plain unhealthy. Broadening the definition of beauty to accept all people does not mean forgetting the health hazards of certain body types. Being too thin or too fat as per our genetic makeup does not make us ugly. However, it does make our body not function at peak efficiency. Just like beauty, physical health is not related to a single, homogenous body size for all. And just like with beauty, we need to learn to have conversations about our health with relation to our body size. A friend of mine, a doctor in a family clinic, told me how the mother of a teenage patient threatened to sue her for psychological damage when she told the young patient to change her habits (she did not exercise, and her diet mainly consisted of fast food) else her hypertension and her type two diabetes become out of control. How could she be expected to care for her young patient, she was telling me, if she could not address her weight, which had been ballooning over the last couple of years?

It is now up to us and our daily conversations with others—including men, the lack of which is another limitation of this video—that will define the success of Dove’s Campaign for Real Beauty. It is clear that change is not needed but rather, a transformation is. So I hope that Dove continues its campaign, slowly breaking one barrier at a time, helping us to advance along the path of understanding what true beauty is.

Don’t Pull Your Hair Out Just Yet: There Is Something to be Said about Intensity

A lot of people, when they think about intensity, think this:

We wish we looked this cute when we are screaming.

Or this:

 

Leave it to the British to make panicking look this elegant.

So let me start this post by giving an example that reflects what I mean by the word “intense”: the last month before a week long international event, the planning of which you are intimately involved in. When things you have planned for said event go wrong; when all the little steps, so meticulously planned, are just not syncing up as they are supposed to. When a staff of 25 goes down because of various illnesses, and those that are taken down are the key people that help everything move along smoothly.

Now that is what I call intense!

In general, when there is intensity involved, an unspoken rule writes off certain things we normally do as temporarily unnecessary. For example, in intense times, the use of greetings and other forms of social graces in emails sharply declines. As the deadline approaches, even a simple “hi”, “bye”, “hope you are well”, all seem to disappear, and emails tend to only state what needs to be said/done, that’s it. The theory seems to be that being straight to the point to such an extreme lends to a much needed increased efficiency.

However, this theory might be completely wrong; sometimes, I even wonder if this theory decreases efficiency when it is most needed.

In an office where bonds of friendship abound, work will always be done more efficiently, as consultation can be frank and honest, while respectful and loving. In times of increased intensity, maintaining the outward signs of respect and love for one another (perhaps in a little quicker, more efficient way, such as writing “hi!” instead of “good morning”, “bye!” instead of “have a great afternoon”, etc.), help maintain the bonds of friendship when they are the most needed, i.e. when it is easiest to become so focused on the task that we forget about these bonds of friendship.

Love is the most efficient way to create and maintain unity, for it inspires us to let go of our ego to truly understand and work with someone else. In times of intensity, when we are pushed to our limits, love is what will keep our lower nature in check, and, instead of snapping at someone, will have us lovingly but directly ask for something. Love has the power of keeping a team united even when the intensity is so incredibly high that members are cracking. And unity, as we know it, is vital to any endeavour, as discussed in my post about unity being essential to global peace.

It might seem like a lot of work at times, just adding a simple greeting and farewell in an email or stopping, be it for a couple of seconds, to smile and say hi to someone. But it seems to be a great way to learn to be loving in extremely difficult situations. And, perhaps, just like the family unit is an amazing laboratory in which we can learn the skills needed to contribute to community building, perhaps an office can become a similar laboratory. After all, learning to maintain peace in an office amidst a stressful situation just might be precursor to learning to maintain peace at a level higher than the family unit and, thus, closer to the global level…

Social Action: A Geek Friendly Series of Analogies

It is inspiring to hear so many stories about an increasing number of individuals at the grassroots arising to make their communities a better place. Reading these stories, one gets the feeling that instead of getting discouraged, we are learning, little by little, to overcome challenges and obstacles to social action.

This approach also seems to slowly dissipate a dangerous misconception about social action: that it is something really big and therefore, an impossible challenge for the individual to tackle. This leads to the belief that social action that brings about meaningful change can only be performed by someone special, unique, and powerful, a superhero of sorts that the kind of which is not often brought into this world.

I love superheroes, but only in movies and comics, and definitely not in the realm of social action. For I feel that it is not in the actions of a few exceptional people that we will see social change, but rather in the concerted efforts of normal people who to come together and, united in their vision, act wisely, tirelessly, and consistently, contributing their talents and skills to make a difference.

This idea of the superhero needs to be firmly addressed, because it often feels like it encourages us to be lethargic, apathetic and become unconcerned. It makes one think that I am normal, no different from the masses of humanity, therefore I am not a superhero and cannot make a change. It feels like even individuals who do have a strong skillset can get stuck in this mindset; they cannot even see themselves like The Avengers, because they feel they are that worthless. And of course, compared to, say, a flying man of steel.

Perhaps then we need a shift in perspective. Why not start thinking instead of ourselves a little like ants instead? At the fear of sounding like the a pro-Formics (how I look forward to the Ender’s Game movie), out of a unified collective, many “superpowers” to make significant change emerge.

Their Superpower: Cuteness Overload!

But we also do not want to go the way of the Borg. That is to say, we do not want to lose the wonderful gift of our individuality. So the trick just might be to balance out the beautiful fact that we are each unique, sentient beings, with the need for unity. We should therefore be neither be Formics nor Borg.

I would say that we have to be less like The Avengers, and more like a gigantic, worldwide Star Trek crew. After all, each member of the crew of the USS Starship Enterprises (all of them!) and the USS Voyager were all amazing, but alone they could not accomplish nearly as much as part of the crew of their respective ships.

This last analogy might not be geek worthy, but it illustrated the concept of social action as a team effort that requires universal participation quite well. Any keyboard typically features letters that are used all the time, such as “e” and “a”, and letters that are not used as much, say, “q” and “x”. However disproportionate the ratio of usage, all four of these letters have to be present on any keyboard for a book to be written. Universal participation is essential, and each letter ‘contributes’ to the final product as often as it is needed.

When it comes to social action, this means that all of us have to be keenly aware of what is going on, and be ready, willing and eager to jump in and play our part, however small it might be. Because ultimately, social action will only yield results when everyone will contribute their 110% – which makes superheroes out of all of us.

The Definition of Beauty: It Can Expand Along with Your Waistline

We are very lucky to be living on planet Earth, because beauty surrounds us. However, it sometimes seems we have forgotten to appreciate it. One of the beautiful things we seem to have forgotten to appreciate is the beauty of the human body.

The media constantly reminds us of this sad fact. For example, the article 20 Celebs Criticized for Their Curves is a horrifying collection of almost abusive comments about the weight of 20 female celebrities, who rank from pretty to downright gorgeous. These comments include: America Ferrera, a size 6 or 8, being a spokeswoman for curvy women in Hollywood, Kelly Clarkson’s curves being mocked on numerous websites, Mariah Carey being fat or pregnant, Scarlett Johansson’s curves making her look too sexy, Tyra Banks being called fat by Janice Dickinson… Need I add more?

This is not to say that we should never watch our weight. After all, it is one of many indicators of good health. But the line between watching one’s weight for health reasons and watching one’s weight because of societal pressures is a very fine one. There is also nothing wrong with wanting to look good, as long as it does not become the central focus of one’s life. The challenge is in determining what “looking good” means. The current definition of beauty as portrayed in the media is so narrow, that trying to achieve it can – and does – become the source of many physical and emotional ailments.

When one believes that there is a God, and that humans were created to know and worship Him, then concerns about one’s weight should be mainly related to our health, so that we can fulfil this purpose. However, because of the immense pressures exerted by mainstream media (the same that calls the size 6-8 America Ferrera “fat”), it seems like a large part of our day to day life is ruled by concerns about our weight. How interesting that the average human being, a creature endowed with a soul, exerts so much mental energy on maintaining the weight of its body within the limits of an unrealistic definition of beauty.

How can we rid ourselves of the pervasive, unjust influence of this limited-to-the-point-of-cruelty definition of beauty? The first step is awareness. Thankfully there is an ever-increasing amount of that! Next is action at the level of society, a powerful example of which is the recent, successful petition asking Seventeen magazine to stop airbrushing its models. Boycotts are also often called: of tabloids that denigrate women by focusing on size, of fashion magazines that also focus solely on image, of clothing companies that market their wares through models that belong to only one very limited category of beauty.

Society can only advance if change happens at both the level of society and at the level of the individual. What can we do, then, at the level of the individual? We know that we were created in the image of God. We have a right to want to look good, in part by wanting to reach and/or maintain a certain weight. However, we should filter out decisions that have to do with our lower nature from those that have to do with our higher nature. To want to look and feel good by losing weight is not a problem; to forget that the primary way to look and feel good is by achieving emotional and spiritual balance is. To define oneself primarily according to one’s weight is a problem. We should instead primarily define ourselves by our virtues.

We should also remember that man’s reality is his thought. This means that the words we use to talk to others, or even to ourselves, defines our reality. When we greet each other by focusing on how we look physically, it limits our reality to our physical selves. We are telling each other that our physical selves is what deserve the focus of our attention. What if instead, we changed our words to reflect the fact that the focus of our attention is on each other’s souls? Instead of seeing the weight lost, what if we saw the extra bounce in their step, the shine in their eyes, or the way they are holding their heads higher?

So while we should pay attention to our physical well-being and beauty, we should strive to remember that, despite the media’s strong emphasis on the contrary, our main focus should be on our emotional and spiritual well-being. And maybe we should be more interested in the fact that America Ferrera is concerned with the advancement of women and girls, that Kelly Clarkson is involved in the organization “Houses of Hope”, that Mariah Carey donated the royalties to her song “Save the Day” to charities that create awareness to human rights issues, that Scarlett Johansson visited African as a Global Ambassador for Oxfam, and that Tyra Banks founded the TZONE Foundation which aims to empower girls and young women.

Maybe it is time that we focused on the many reasons why these women are beautiful, and not just on their bodies – which are, by the way, beautiful as well, in all the sizes we have seen them in.

World Peace: It Just Might be Even Simpler that We Thought…

I previously blogged about how stifling it can be, having too many ideas, and how it has led to periods during which I would not post much, if anything. I have entered such a period again. I blame my awesome friends for the amazing, eye-opening conversations we have been having! One recent conversation in particular struck me. We were talking about the prerequisites to peace: should we eliminate religion? Should we condemn materialism/consumerism/Lady Gaga? Do we need to have everyone agreeing on everything to have peace?

At first, we had a very, very long list; someone then suggested that we distil it into its core values, and we were left wondering if perhaps, there are only two things that we all really need to achieve peace, two things that feed into each other and create the environment in which all the other prerequisites we had initially listed would naturally emerge.

The first is the unshakeable conviction that we are all noble human beings. We did not feel that everyone has to believe in God to believe in the nobility of man. Rather, everyone has to believe that man has the capacity to create heaven on earth because of its inherent nobility.

The second is the ability to communicate, to be able to listen to radically different ideas without feeling threatened, to be able to accept that a person we disagree with makes sense within the framework they are operating in. For example, the views of an atheist, a Buddhist and a Bahá’í about life after death are different; do we need to convince each other of who is right? Imagine if instead, we would accept that we are different, and focus on understanding the truth of each person’s opinion within the atheist/Buddhist/Bahá’í framework.

Accepting that everyone is a noble human being leads to the belief that differences between different people do not imply a hierarchy of who is right and who is wrong. Rather, it makes us understand that differences are related to just that: differences. When we realize that we can each have our own opinions, we open ourselves to understanding them, and accepting them, even if we disagree. Through conversations meant to understanding one another, we can then learn to create a world within which people with different ‘life prescriptions’ can live together, without anyone imposing anything on the other.

And then we would start working our way steadily towards world peace.

Of What Use Art Thou, Anger, in Contributing to the Fight against Injustice?

Engendering Equality wrote a post last year about the sustainability of anger as the force behind social mouvements. Anger, it reads, is a very interesting emotion. (…) In one regard, if you take a look at the current state of the world today, how can you not become angry? (…) Yet at the same time I can’t help but wonder whether acting for the betterment of the world, for the equality of women and men, out of anger is really sustainable.

This post resonated with me because I see a lot of people around me using anger as a driving force that fuels their involvement in community-building activities. They are angry that the world is such an unjust place, that so many people are suffering for no good reason, that so many people are dying of hunger when we have more than enough food in the world to feed everyone were it distributed right, etc. In a way, this anger bolsters them out of the passivity so many forces in our society encourages and inspires them to dedicate themselves instead to community-building.

But anger can also be a formidable obstacle. It fills these individuals with a burst of energy akin to that of a meteor. They burn bright and inspiring others until anger exhausts them and they burn out. The challenge is that, however beautiful and inspiring a meteor is, solving the root cause of injustice takes patience, deep thinking and systematic action—steps that cannot be performed without patience.

Anger does not nurture patience, because it does not foster love. Love should be the reason why we contribute to community-building activities: we love God, so we love His creation, and consequently we want to make sure that we serve humanity to the utmost of our capacity.

Love makes us patient. Community-building is not an easy endeavour. We have to constantly battle to keep our ego in check so that consultations about advancing humanity to the next step in its development can be fruitful. I don’t know about you, but when I am angry, I do not have that much patience. But when I am talking to someone I love, I find myself filled with more patience than I ever thought possible.

Anger clouds our vision and limits our capacities. If the angry person is wrong, their anger keeps them from consulting and finding out the truth. This person might be filled with the best of intentions, but will not be able to contribute positively to community-building.

And even if this person is right, because of their anger, they are not always capable of sharing their insight with others. They instead come off as condescending and arrogant, and they end up pushing people around.

So while the current situation in the world warrants a lot of anger, it seems important to learn to channel it towards learning to love God and His creation, in the hopes that it will make us patient enough to contribute to a strong and vibrant learning process about community-building.