Inbox spring cleaning (I’m still in denial)

I’ve been emptying out my inbox and have been stumbling on some hilarious forwards. It seemed like a shame to delete them without one last nod – which is why I have decided to post the best ones on my Blog. It also helps when I have writer’s block.

Enjoy!

You know you are turning Canadian when…

You understand the phrase “Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield. (This is embarrassing, but… What is a Chesterfield?)
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
You drink Pop, not Soda. (We call them soft drinks here in Mtl, because that’s all there is. Drinks and soft drinks.)
You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, William Shatner, Tom Green, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell, Pamela Anderson Lee & many more are
Canadians.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced “Zed”.
Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. (Only 6? The writer of this list is definitely not from Montreal!)
You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
You know that when it’s 25 degrees outside, it’s a warm day.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan”.
You perk up when you hear the theme song from ‘Hockey Night in Canada’. (Which one? The old or the new one?)
You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
“Eh?” is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, “Huh?”
You say “aboot” instead of “about”.
Your Beer Case handles Are Big Enough To Fit Your Mitts.
You froze your tongue to something metal and survived to tell about it.
You know that we don’t all live in igloos and ride polar bears to work.

Modern Day Fairy Tales

I’m fairly certain that many of you have already read this one before, but it’s worth reading again.

Enjoy!

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Fairy Tale Number 1

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me?” The girl said “No,” and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, went out with friends, always had a clean house, only had to cook what she wanted when she wanted, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny and was never farted or burped on.

The End.

_______________________________

Fairy Tale Number 2

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped onto the princess’ lap.

“Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you however will turn me back into the dapper young prince that I am. And then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she  chuckled to herself.

“I really don’t think so.”

The End.